Cancer and I - The beginnings

Cancer, it’s a really small word that carries so much weight to it, to the point of people not even saying the word, but just using the letter C, to describe the disease. In my Mothers family, it has been quite a well used word, as quite a few people have been killed by it, all on my Grandmothers side she, and most of her sisters have died from the big C. So it has come as no surprise to me that either my Sister or I would eventually be diagnosed with it. I have never really expected anything else. A very sad thought in the back of my mind, was that not, IF it would happen so much as, WHEN.

After my mother passed, on the 20/04/2004, 4 months to the day from diagnoses, I kept up my breast checks, every fortnight, and started getting, Mammograms and Ultrasounds, done yearly, just to be on the safe side. 2 years ago I found a large lump, {it seemed large to me}, it was not a problem though, due to the amount of cysts I had in my breasts already, but monitoring it would be a good idea. This year on the 14th/10th/2009, I went in for my yearly check via Mammogram & Ultrasound, and they seemed to be doing an extraordinary, amount of pictures.

This alone conjures up dastardly thoughts, but however, the staff does endeavour to put your mind at ease. I then had a week to wait for the normal Breast Clinic, my appointment was for 2.45 pm 21st/10th/2009, but like all clinics I have attended, I was waiting for 3 hours. When my name was eventually called I entered room 20 as requested. The doctor was sitting at her desk, in a cubical the size of a single bedroom, with a smile she stood and introduced herself., as we sat I observed her, it was the look of interest mixed with concern, as she looked at the computer screen filled with my file.

She asked me to remove my clothing from the top half, and please put the gown on, and lay on the bed please. Curtains drawn, but I’m not sure for whom, as in this business you cannot afford to be modest or shy about the human form. As I got ready for the examination, we chatted about normal things, age, family history (in brief), and the weather, yes even the conversation filler “The Weather”, amusing as that is, I was there to get the results. The physical examination was a normal part of this yearly ritual. I was asked if there were any spots that had changed, whilst doing my own checks?, no the same lumps in the same places as last year and the year before. “Have you started Menopause yet?” “Yes” I reply, “All over red rover as of February this year”, I say this with happiness and relief, just one more thing that has made me regret being a woman for the last 36 years has ended, and now I can grow old gracefully.

I love these doctors, they are masters of weedling information, and calculating in their heads without giving anything away, and they have a serene smile to boot. “Please get dressed and we will have a chat”. Silly me thought that we had already covered the “Chat” stuff. As I sat, tucking in the last little bit, I realise that may be this would be “The” chat, the one that sits in the back of my head every time I attend this Clinic.

“Well, it seems that you have a decent lump in your left breast”, my mind being a comedian where it can involuntarily goes to the “decent lump” and asks myself what’s decent about a lump? She continues, “I think we should Biopsy that as soon as possible” Again the involuntary kicks in and I zone in on “Biopsy” and I translate ASAP to URGENTLY. I was not wrong, She continues “Friday or Monday”, my mind does a quick calculation, today is Wednesday, well I have to wait to be told anyway, I have no choice in the day, time, month, year, and decade. I love control, but this was making me edgy. “And you need to make another appointment for next week’s clinic for the results”. I now go to the counter and make the appointment and set off home to tell Hubbly, what’s going on.

I received no call on Thursday before lunch, for the appointment with Radiology, so me being a little control freak, rang and asked if a time had been made. “Oh yes, Friday week, the 30th/10th/2009” I replied, now a little concerned as the doctor had spoken of as soon as possible, “the doctor said Friday or Monday”, “no others are in more need” I was told abruptly, so I take my time’s down and call Hubbly, who is now angry that others are more important than me. And so goes the weekend.

I go to work on Monday 26th, and do my daily thing, when at 09.30 am, my mobile rings, “Hello? Mrs A”, “Yes, speaking”, It’s Dr K, from Radiology, where are you at the moment?” “At work”, I reply, “No I mean where are you as in suburb?” sounding a little frustrated, at my imbecility , and lack of power to read her mind. “Melbourne, Spring St”. “We have a gap this morning, how soon can you get in?” “Before 11.00 am”, my heart starts to thump due to the excitement, on one hand a day off work, and the other, this is more like it, getting the ball rolling, instead of hurry up and wait.

I get to the department at 10:45am, I actually left work at 10.15, so half an hour, was a good run as the hospital is near home. I am directed to the waiting room for the Ultrasound, and try not to think about what is about to be done, there are people waiting, for this and that, all looking very lost in their own thoughts, as each person considers his or her issue to be the most dramatic thing on earth, not that you say that to anyone, but deep down our personal issues, regardless of what they are, are all consuming.

My name is called, and I’m guided by the Radiographer to a large room, with all the equipment and bed, I’m asked to strip off again to the waist, and lay on the bed, meanwhile she is warming up the computer and Ultrasound machine, also now a days, they heat the gel, that they put on you, so no nasty shocks. I lay there not really knowing what or how to think, but calm myself.

Doctor K who, rang me earlier, enters and we shoot the breeze for a few minutes. I see a tray with the appropriate Needles, and little specimen jars, with clear fluid in them. The doctor explains what type of Biopsy she is doing on me, and then tells me that I will feel a little prick, like a bee sting, have you noticed that every one who’s giving you a needle says the same words, but it’s not really like that at all, it’s more like a wasp sting, meaning it hurts more than a little old bee sting. This is the local anaesthetic, and I must admit she was really good, I really thought it would be more painful, because I was watching on the monitor, where the needle was going. Maybe I should of closed my eye’s but I seem to be fascinated with my own body and everything that’s being done to it, during the procedure.

I watch as she gets the next needle and starts trying to get through the flesh under the skin, she’s having a very hard time of it, because god blessed me with extremely dense breast’s, see I always knew a little bit of me was dense, but I digress. I could see the concern on her face, and her arm it looked like she was pumping up an airbed with a bike pump. She was getting through but very slowly, when she got it into position she said I might feel a little like I’ve been flicked by an elastic band, she triggered the spring loaded needle and I saw it dart into the lump, she extracted it, and put the contents into one of the jars, In again she went through the same hole, and the procedure was repeated. She still had this look, a very serious look I might add, on her face, and said that maybe the angle wasn’t right, she would go in again from a different angle, so she apologised to me, but explained that she had to make sure that the tissue was the right tissue, taken from the right area of the lump, and such. Sure I agreed, do what you have to do, it’s all good, and no I feel nothing of what they’re seemingly expecting me to. From the new angle the original procedure with the dart needle was done 4 more times, the joy at feeling none of this, was outweighed by the nurse and doctor, chatting about how many they would normally do, which was 2, not 6. the story of my life, Dr K was sufficiently surprised at my lack of reaction, and she actually said thanks for making it easier. I did hear her say, she admired my pain threshold, being as high as it is. I explained that 3weeks earlier I had all my teeth out and the plates put in same day, and that procedure had only produced relief in me, very little actual pain. She was sufficiently shocked at this, but smiled and laughed, that I could handle anything. They were used to people fainting, and screaming at the pain. I was told to expect decent bruising, well I certainly got bruising but not until Wednesday morning, just in time for clinic. Dr K said that the results would be in by Wednesday, in time for clinic. But that, it would be reviewed by, all Dr’s on Wednesday morning.

Wednesday, afternoon I attend clinic and only have to wait for an hour this time, so at quarter past 3, I again attend room 20, and the same Dr from the previous week, (the public system doesn't let you choose), was again behind the desk, there was a different look on her face this time and she spoke with a softer voice. Greetings done, she gets to the business of the day, “You have Cancer”, she hesitated to gauge my reaction; there is none to gauge. She passively and kindly smiles in a sad way, but perks up and says “It’s a grade 1, and very slow growing”, again looking for a reaction, I smile, and tell her it’s all good, it’s the best diagnosis for this disease I could hope for. Taken back by my reaction, she looks relieved; again I’m sure she deals with every other reaction in the negative, not the positive. She asked how I could be so positive? I told her it’s relief, due to family history, for me "it was not If, but, When I would be diagnosed, the earlier the better”. She is now smiling knowing that I can handle this issue. The only thing that pops into my head is telling Hubbly, and family and friends, their reactions would be very hard to deal with, but I resolved to keep pumping at them how low a grade it is, and the survival rate at this level being 100%. Dr apologises for what barrage I’m going to go through, as now they need to do more tests to check if this is anywhere else. The funny thing is I feel fantastic, like I could do anything I set my mind to, so I don’t believe there could possibly any cancer anywhere else, but just to be on the safe side, they want to do the tests anyway. I’m introduced to the Breast Surgeon, who happens to have the cubicle next door, and she starts reeling of what tests need to be done, Blood’s, we should be able to get them done today, CT scan & Chest X-ray, Bone density scan, MRI, but I would be told when these appointment would be, also there is only 2 things that could be done for this lump, a Lumpectomy or a Mastectomy, but all would be revealed by the test results next week, and I have to make an appointment for that. Now since watching my mother die from Cancer, I have been really reticent about the whole idea of treatment, but as this is low grade, it would be foolhardy to not get it out and treat the disease. So now I meet the Breast Care Nurse, a lovely little lady that seems to of swallowed way too many ever-ready batteries. She looks at me concerned and I laugh at this whole idiotic situation, and keep thinking to myself, everyone else is taking this a lot harder than I. I’m sure they all think I’m in denial She sits me down and tells me that the next few weeks are going to be hard, but I have a support network here at the Hospital, an with family and friends. I nod smiling that I know this already, but I also know there are going to be times during the next few weeks where I will call upon my network to help me through, she advises me that if I have questions or need to chat, call her. She hands me some booklets, and a DVD about my new Disease, and reconstruction, living with early Cancer for family and friends, and the list goes on. Right at that moment I was thinking I better get to Pathology to get the blood taken, and then home to Hubbly and break the news.

Now here’s a whole new ballgame, this so far has been the only time, where I have really felt like crying a little, I told hubbly, and the look on his face, the sorrow in his eye’s, it hurt me that I had hurt him with this news. Then the practical side kicked in the facts and such, I told him that he has been requested to attend the next clinic appointment, and talk to the Dr’s and ask questions, this way he gets the fact’s himself, also the tests results and we would hear them together. You know the only thing at this point that I can pinpoint as me not being up to scratch, is the fact I’m very tired now, but then I work 10hr shifts, and was doing a lot of Overtime, and I thought it was due to that, but I seem to be very tired all the time now, it could also be my mechanism for dealing with this news. After talking to hubbly, I started to call family and friends so that I could put the network into place, and so that everyone would be getting it from me, and even at work, where the gossip runs rife, I didn’t want a convoluted departure from real facts getting spread around. All their reactions have been different for each person, but very supportive.

As I write this I am so far up to, I’ve had Blood test’s, CT scan & X-rays, and tomorrow morning, the bone density test, which the results will be ready for the afternoon clinic. I am starting to get a little concerned, but after each of these tests, not one of the people taking the tests, lets you know anything, so we are back to HURRY UP AND WAIT.

Well, as I write this, I had the bone Scan, and all clear joy of joys, but alas I was injected with Radio active contrast, which means I cannot go near, Pregnant ladies, children & babies, so I asked about pets, he asked how old was my pet, "9mths' I replied, he said, to treat it as a child and not be close, very, very hard thing to do to your fur-baby. So of I trotted to the clinic.

After waiting about an hour and a half, (and I thought things were getting faster, silly me again), I saw the breast surgeon, and was advised the rest of my body and blood is clear, fantastic, BUT, "you need a Mastectomy", I still didn't react, and asked when, "2 weeks", I just happen to say "the sooner the better". (Careful what you wish for, you might actually get it.), so, I was then taken to see a Plastic surgeon, and we went through reconstruction, and the best road to take, it was then that I was advised, "also you will require Chemotherapy". This thought conjures up bald ladies with scarf’s that make their heads look small. Still there is much to do before that takes place.

At lunch time I was called by a nice young lady, who advised me that I was required at hospital tomorrow at 10.30 am, for a pre op clinic, that means Blood tests, history, ECG's......, and so it goes on. I asked why tomorrow, and she said that next Tuesday was the surgery day, Pardon I said, and where is this taking place, I asked, not sure the two surgeons are duking it out as to the place, but we will know tomorrow. So it seem' I got my wish the sooner that later comment struck a chord somewhere.